How to Handle Problem Narratives

One of the most challenging issues to deal with when you're coaching is knowing what to say to people who start with—and seem to be stuck on—a problem narrative.

Problem stories can be about anything—from not being able to follow a healthy diet, get enough exercise, or follow through on a prescribed regimen. They also may be about bad habits, barriers, obstacles, triggers, and even other people.

But regardless of the problem, remember: Your job isn't to fix it.

It's to help people envision a life beyond – or even in spite of--the problem, define steps they would have taken to get there, and identify one tiny thing they could do right after talking to you that would increase the chances that change can take place.

The pull to fix is strong, and reassurance is often the first form it takes. The first move isn't a fix. It's acknowledgment. "Oh, gosh." "Yeah, it's tough." "A lot of uncertainty." "This must be very difficult for you." Two words, three words. Enough.

Then come the coping and managing questions. You aren't asking how they failed. You're asking how they've endured. "How have you managed to hold up? How are you able to do it? What has kept you going?" These questions name the resource that's already in the room, before either of you has gone looking for it.

Then you look forward. "What will you notice that tells you things are getting even a little bit better?" Notice that "even a little bit." That's the door that opens possibilities. Once they describe it, even tentatively, the conversation has a destination that isn't the problem.

This is the discipline of being curious instead of certain. Don't pursue problems. Recognize that people have already coped, so validate that. Describe, don't interpret. This is as true in a five-minute patient encounter as it is in a fifty-minute coaching session.